How to provide emotional and practical support
What often helps:
- Listening without trying to fix everything
- Practical help: meals, housework, childcare, driving to appointments
- Being present - just sitting together
- Asking “What do you need right now?”
- Respecting their boundaries and decisions
- Treating them normally, not like they’re fragile
- Remembering they’re still the same person
What often doesn’t help:
- Saying “everything will be fine” or “stay positive”
- Sharing stories of people who died from cancer
- Offering unsolicited medical advice
- Disappearing because you don’t know what to say
- Making it about you and your feelings
- Expecting them to comfort you
Supporting different family members:
For partners - You may become a carer while still being a partner. Your relationship will change - this is normal. Make time to connect as a couple, not just about cancer. You don’t have to be strong all the time either.
For parents - It’s natural to want to protect them, but they’re an adult making their own decisions. Offer support without taking over.
For adult children - The role reversal can be difficult. Balance caring for your parent with your own family responsibilities. It’s okay to set boundaries.
For young children - Children need age-appropriate honesty. Reassure them they didn’t cause it. Maintain routine where possible. Watch for changes in behavior.
Caring for yourself as a caregiver
Caring for someone with cancer is exhausting - physically and emotionally.
Signs of carer burnout:
- Constant exhaustion
- Feeling resentful or irritable
- Withdrawing from friends
- Health problems
- Anxiety or depression
- Feeling like you can’t cope
What can help:
- Accept help from others
- Take breaks (this isn’t selfish)
- Keep up activities you enjoy
- Stay connected to friends
- See your own doctor
- Consider counseling
- Join a carers support group
Financial support:
- Carer Payment - If caring full-time and meet income test
- Carer Allowance - Supplement if providing daily care (can get while working)
- Carer Leave - Time off work (paid or unpaid)
- Talk to a social worker about entitlements
Respite care:
- In-home respite (someone comes to help for a few hours)
- Residential respite (your loved one stays somewhere for days or weeks)
- This gives you essential breaks
Services to help at home:
- District nursing
- Meals on Wheels
- Home help services
- Equipment (shower chairs, commodes, hospital bed)
Where to get help:
- Hospital social worker
- Carers Australia
- My Aged Care (not just for older people)
Navigating healthcare systems
Coming to appointments:
How to be helpful:
- Take notes or record the conversation (ask permission first)
- Ask questions your loved one might forget
- Bring a list of current medications
- Remember information to relay to other family members
What not to do:
- Answer for them
- Push your opinion on treatment decisions
- Dominate the conversation
- Share information they wanted kept private
Advocating when needed:
Sometimes you need to speak up for your loved one. When they’re too unwell to speak for themselves, they’ve asked you to, or pain/symptoms aren’t being managed.
How to advocate effectively:
- Be clear and specific: “Their pain is not controlled despite the current medication”
- Ask what the next step is
- Request to speak to a senior doctor if needed
- Keep notes of conversations
- Stay calm but persistent
Grief and bereavement support
Supporting through decline:
What helps:
- Being present
- Respecting their wishes
- Listening to their fears
- Helping with practical matters
- Making memory projects together if they want to
- Taking care of yourself so you can be there
When death is approaching:
You might notice sleeping more, less interest in food and drink, withdrawing, confusion or agitation, changes in breathing.
Palliative care teams can help with:
- Managing symptoms
- Supporting the family
- Guidance on what to expect
- Help making the person comfortable
After death:
Immediate practical steps:
- Call the palliative care team or doctor
- They will certify the death
- Contact funeral home
- Contact immediate family
Looking after yourself:
- Grief is different for everyone
- There’s no timeline for grieving
- Some days will be harder than others
- You may feel relief as well as sadness - this is normal
Getting support:
- Bereavement counseling through cancer services
- GP can refer to psychologist (Medicare rebates available)
- Support groups for people who have lost someone to cancer
- Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
Support for grieving children:
Children grieve differently at different ages.
What helps:
- Age-appropriate honesty
- Maintaining routine
- Letting them express feelings in their own way
- Not hiding your own grief (in an appropriate way)
- Counseling if needed
- Memory activities
Resources:
- Canteen: For young people who have lost someone to cancer
- School counselors
- Children’s grief counseling services